No presents in Xmas past
Shove turkey. Onto Santa. Weeks before Christmas and all through the house, every movie stirring was starring a louse.
1990. “Home Alone” featured then-10-year-old Macaulay Culkin. The story: Robbers come but the bad guys get tarred, feathered, smacked, sacked, hacked and whacked by little Macaulay, who today does something on some website podcast. His movie salary then was only $100,000. In this flick could be the villain was the producer.
1938. “A Christmas Carol.” Bah! Humbug! Sensing his lousiness old Scrooge begins to twinkle. Probably also tinkle. His new wrinkle is Kumbaya and they end up closer than Angelina and Brad. Or Disney and DeSantis. Or soon-to-be ex-congress-louse George Santos — a magician who can make an ass of himself.
Mean ‘n’ green
1966. Dr. Seuss’ “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” This Grinch is green, hairy, solitary, steals stuff — just like what happens in NYC drugstores. Comes a revelation. His shriveled heart enlarges. (Not yet happening with drugstore hustlers — although it’s where this Grinch could get bleach for his green hair.)
1964. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is the male you want to take home to mother. His mother. He’s the antagonist who meets the Bumble, an Abominable Snow Monster, then returns to help the elves — but only after dentist elf Hermey yanks his teeth and he lisps “Merry Chrithmath.”
“The Nutcracker.” This mouse louse — a real rat — has oilcloth pockets so he can steal soup. Bad boy — the evil Mouse King — is a royal rodent with multiple heads who wars with the kingdom’s prince. No, his name’s not Harry.
Christmas punches
1983. “A Christmas Story.” Scut Farkus is the villain. A buddy bully who picks on whoever (I can’t remember who) and keeps going until friends smack him down. What this has to do with Xmas, no idea. Maybe the guy’s cranky because he works in a department store and they stuck him in charge of “Returns.”
1989. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” All through the house not a creature was stirring except for Chevy Chase. He’s ambitious. Does damage. Forgets that a shoe tree could fill his shoes . . . Also, I never saw this film so make up your own story. Anyway, he becomes a good egg — and you know where eggs come from.
The Claus come out
Santa doesn’t do marathons. Too chunky to huff, puff and run after bad guys so why’s every joyful Dec. 25 full of flicks with villains? Like Tim Burton’s “The Nightmare Before Christmas” with bug-eating meanie monster Oogie Boogie kidnapping Santa. Why?
Another biggie was “Miracle on 34th Street.” Nice. But its only real miracle would be if the prices came down.
Lots of frosty feelings
Loving holiday tale “It’s A Wonderful Life” bombed. So why are all Yuletide movies about meanies? Jealousy? Because Mr. Claus has a loud outfit, boots, a beard, a shoulder bag, doesn’t change clothes and works only one day a year? Listen, our teenagers now all do the same.
Always bad guys out to get Santa. It’s no respect for a guy who can’t hold a steady job? Or because cranks don’t like his repeating “Ho . . . ho . . . ho . . .”
Listen, your tree’s from Canada, ornaments from Taiwan, lights from Hong Kong, and toys from China. There’s nothing like a good ol’ American Christmas — and that’s even if you’re only in New York, kids, only in New York.
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